Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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