I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
