Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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