the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
