I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
