Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
