Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
