i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The uberlube is also flammable
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
