You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
