none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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