i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
as a side note pls kill me
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
