I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
