You can't motorboat a personality
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
