Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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