If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
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