it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
