So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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