I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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