you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
