You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
