you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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