he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
