my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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