Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
vagina is talking i cant
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize