Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
