There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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