Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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