I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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