I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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