Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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