Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
