I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
