somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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