I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
