Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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