I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
