I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
