apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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