can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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