That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
