Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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