Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
