I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize