It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
