dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
