You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
