I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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