i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
