I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
