Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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