my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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