He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
