eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize