i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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