i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Quick, to the slutcave!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
