We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize