Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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