I just gift wrapped bread.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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